ineke.co.uk

A Tesco employee has sent me this picture of rotting oranges at Tesco's fresh warehouse in Belfast today. He says that they took so long to arrive in Northern Ireland that by the time they got here they were out of date & went straight to the bin. pic.twitter.com/7BYQUUIF9v

— Sam McBride (@SJAMcBride) January 8, 2021

People are dying – over 1000 on this “good day”. I don’t believe the Queen would approve of this tweet. https://t.co/v93sEjq9Qk

— Jessica Simor KC (@JMPSimor) January 9, 2021

Great to see Trump has finally been banned from Pinterest. Never again will he be able to colour match the Farrow & Ball paint on the bedroom wall of a white mother in west london.

— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) January 9, 2021

It’s starting to look like not addressing the NHS staffing crisis for the last 10 years had consequences

— Amar Mashru (@dr_amar_mashru) January 9, 2021

Can’t see any possibly way this tweet could backfire on you, excellent comms 👍 https://t.co/EH5BRRNE0Y

— Tom Jamieson (@jamiesont) January 10, 2021

pic.twitter.com/dUU0NtpF6K

— not the bible (@thenotthebible) January 9, 2021

Hello good people of Twitter☀️
I have a plea for you: If your rapid covid test is negative, or if you got vaccinated with 1 or even 2 doses, please still behave as if you have the virus & don’t want to pass it on to others until we get on top of this horrible pandemic. Thank u.

— Prof Nisreen Alwan 🌻 (@Dr2NisreenAlwan) January 10, 2021

If you think a private company regulating their own private platform is fascism but a president trying to overturn an election in his favor is not, I would like to suggest to you that you do not understand the concept of fascism.

— Zack Hunt (@ZaackHunt) January 9, 2021

I am simply obsessed with this diagram comparing the height of Charlotte brontë to an emperor penguin pic.twitter.com/Uydwl8zRSg

— Lucy Rebecca Cannon (@queerarchlvst) January 9, 2021

By next Friday, it’ll be sunrise before 8am every day in London.

By the following Friday, it’ll be sunset after 4.30pm each day too.

We are getting there.

— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) January 10, 2021

ATTENTION EVERYONE

It is no longer acceptable to ask the following questions:

"How was your Christmas?"
"Got any New Years Resolutions?"
"Is it too late to say Happy New Year? It is, isn't it? Well Happy New Year anyway."

Sincerely,
The innocent department of small talk

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 11, 2021

Instead, we suggest asking any of the following:

"This is all a bit grim, isn't it?"
"Is it too early to start eating chocolate?"
"When's the next bank holiday?"
"Do you think anyone would notice if I just went to bed?"
"How have I already finished that chocolate?"

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 11, 2021

Sorry if it’s weird I responded to your DM two seconds after you sent it, I literally haven’t set my phone down since March 2020

— Michael Benjamin (@mfbenji) January 10, 2021

Every time I look at this map it gets funnier pic.twitter.com/uHYATGzI34

— Robert Colvile (@rcolvile) January 11, 2021

Morrisons: you need to wear a mask to shop here
Anti-maskers: we’re going to shop somewhere else
Morrisons: that’s exactly the point, thank you

— carpet (@WHS_Carpet) January 11, 2021

Good morning. This is the last full week of the Trump presidency.
That's all

— Jon Sopel (@jonsopel) January 11, 2021

TAKING BETS ON WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE STATE DEPARTMENT WEBSITE
3/1 Boring hack
8/1 Trump resigned
11/1 Trump died trying to send a tweet via carrier pigeon and somehow electrocuted himself pic.twitter.com/LtDV2DMLxK

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) January 11, 2021

Duolingo is so needy. Or whatever the Spanish word for 'needy' is.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) January 11, 2021

"We gave the PPE contract to a friend"
"Ok and how did that go?"
"Bad"
"Ok so what did you do next"
"We gave the Test and Trace contract to a friend"
"Ok and how did that go?"
"Also bad"
"So learning from this what did you do?"
"We gave the food box contract to a friend"

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) January 12, 2021

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

— Doc  (@DocAtCDI) January 11, 2021

I'm starting to think the Tories don't care about us

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) January 12, 2021

WHAT THERE ISN’T MONEY FOR:
▪️Sheltering the homeless in lockdown
▪️Proper sick pay
▪️Proper support for those self-isolating
▪️3m self-employed
▪️Proper pay rise for NHS staff

WHAT THERE IS MONEY FOR:
▪️Private firms making £25 per inadequate food parcel https://t.co/V5XJL3RpEM

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) January 12, 2021

I love how Brian Blessed’s facemask is the size of a riot shield! pic.twitter.com/AJ9tALj0zx

— Mister Williams (@MisterWilliams) January 11, 2021

If you turned up with that as a £5 bag on a 1997 episode of Ready Steady Cook, Ainsley would ask you how much change you got back.

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) January 12, 2021

Sue Townsend. Adrian Mole. No question. I often think about how he'd be coping during this pandemic. I think he'd be militant about masks and wear one in bed. https://t.co/FHLNPGoi3q

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) January 12, 2021

it’s great to relax in front of the big screen after spending the day looking at the medium sized screen before I retire to bed to look at the small screen until I fall asleep

— Rose Matafeo (@Rose_Matafeo) January 12, 2021

This is a picture of a parcel of food delivered by Caerphilly Borough Council to a family of 3 children – 10 days of food. CBC is one of the poorest authorities in South Wales. Not outsourced. This is what can be provided by people who actually care. pic.twitter.com/D3Tm1IygJy

— Citizen Taffy 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿FBPPR (@Anthony91788627) January 12, 2021

yo this is incredible https://t.co/dXbOVx7g4B pic.twitter.com/sOFR166jYB

— Astead (@AsteadWH) January 12, 2021

PLEASE LISTEN. This is incredibly powerful from ICU nurse Nicole 💙 https://t.co/B9XkxLhC5W

— Greg James (@gregjames) January 13, 2021

Trump has now been impeached as many times as I’ve done a Frozen Film.

— Josh Gad (@joshgad) January 14, 2021

@Number10cat If you ever need to escape, Sidney can give you a few tips pic.twitter.com/Wj9idJTLcO

— LibMoggy📚 (@Libmoggy) January 14, 2021

Done (again) https://t.co/viQIyC0BHP

— Mark Hamill (@MarkHamill) January 14, 2021

due to popular request I have removed trump from home alone pic.twitter.com/HoTA2csMl4

— jamie homage (@jamiehomage) January 9, 2021

I am appalled by Trump… but I’m even more appalled by the Christians who defend him. https://t.co/c9UlTxH9qQ

— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) January 14, 2021

Important reminder that no movie cannot be improved by prefixing it with the words ‘A Muppet…’

I’ll start ‘A Muppet Knives Out’ https://t.co/dSxJYtbI0q

— Tom Jamieson (@jamiesont) January 14, 2021

I feel I have to say that I don’t like Piers Morgan but I also don’t like Matt Hancock and I really don’t like child poverty and who cares who I don’t like, this is an embarrassing response. https://t.co/v1SW9OKlwp

— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) January 13, 2021

It's just so frustrating when politicians refuse to answer the question. Also – I genuinely think plenty of people would have had respect and understanding for Hancock if he'd said 'Yes I regret voting against it, I was wrong and I'm sorry.'

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) January 13, 2021

Humility and saying sorry or expressing regret is a sign of strength, not weakness. I wish more politicians understood that. I blame the PR people advising them, frankly. They've been trained to avoid answering questions they don't like, and that's wrong.

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) January 13, 2021

Is this the worst packet of fruit pastels ever?! 🤯 pic.twitter.com/HLIpdQa6xT

— Rachel harmony is possible3.5%💙🤝👍🇪🇺🌍🇦🇬 (@RachelG21879460) January 14, 2021

My daughter says ‘math’. So do her friends. ‘I’ve finished my math!’ It shouldn’t want to make me through the tv out of the window, but it does.

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) January 15, 2021

I love what’s going on in my timeline pic.twitter.com/tb2LbA2TRf

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) January 15, 2021

Another one:
Me: ‘how are you darling?’
My daughter (and all her friends): ‘I’m good’

Me: ‘I was asking after your mental and physical well-being, I was NOT asking where you stood morally’

They think I’m a bit intense.

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) January 15, 2021

Petition for there to be one uplifting BBC Breaking News alert a week

— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) January 15, 2021

I watched #onlyconnect with the darts question, then this evening I watched #WILTY and I feel like I’ve just seen the silliest inside joke ever pulled off on national television. Bravo @VictoriaCoren

— Rachel Williams (@MrsRJWill) January 15, 2021

https://t.co/X3OJdLgRVu pic.twitter.com/4iIoexmRSL

— Viz Comic (@vizcomic) January 16, 2021

You cannot – cannot – spin yourself out of a pandemic. All that happens is the erosion of public trust. When will the govt stop trying to seduce us with big numbers and start presenting the data accurately & honestly? The respect they’d earn for doing this…

— Dr Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) January 16, 2021

It can be a bit upsetting when Facebook memories shows you on a fab holiday or a wild night out or some other activity that is now forbidden and much longed for… but don’t worry, it won’t be long before we start getting Facebook memories of Lockdown 1 to keep our spirits up!

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) January 16, 2021

Also plans for the day totally ruined – okay council if you say so pic.twitter.com/NsNktnYpHt

— Tom Jamieson (@jamiesont) January 16, 2021

Dates nations across the world forced all travellers to enter quarantine upon arrival:

New Zealand – 16th March 2020

Australia – 17th March 2020

Thailand – 26th March 2020

UK – 18th January 2021

Utter negligence from this government.

— Dave Ward (@DaveWardGS) January 15, 2021

One way to provide needed work to musicians while getting people vaccinated: https://t.co/YRfuzREO6j

— Brian Wise (@briancwise) January 16, 2021

It once took 10 months of global pandemic before I shut the UK travel corridors. pic.twitter.com/YqXVYgYjBT

— Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) January 15, 2021

Richard Osman https://t.co/pyGbrIi4db

— Dan Schreiber (@Schreiberland) January 16, 2021